I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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