I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
