I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
