Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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