If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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