I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
