I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
