After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
