This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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