Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
