Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Randomize
