first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
