I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
