FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
