You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
