The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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