i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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