I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
