why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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