And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
