did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
