Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize