btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
