Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize