i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
