one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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