i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
my poor anus
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
