now i know why i became what i already was.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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