He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
