Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
