That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
