Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
