so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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