hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
