I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize