allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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