I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
