Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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