By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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