Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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