apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
