I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
