Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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