there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
