i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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