So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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