No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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