I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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