I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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