dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
