I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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