i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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