you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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