i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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