if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize