I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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