I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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