I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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