I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
