So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
