well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
