i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
