she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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